Today my depression has reached an all-time low. I must be the most pathetic, lonely person on all of DA.
My last fandom, while it made me popular, (or at least, the closest thing to popular I think I've ever been or ever will be) has long outgrown me. Fandoms don't last forever, and the painful memories and bad experiences that came with it are not something I can say I exactly miss.
My new fandom, while it offers me a fresh start and an escape from all those mental monsters (as well as a way to conquer old childhood demons that only autism can bring) comes with a price as well.
I.. am so.. fucking alone.
I don't get it. I do the fucking best I can with the talents I have. I have been putting my heart and soul into what I create, as I always have. But it's still not enough! What more do I have to do to make it clear that what I feel isn't just "me" again, that I am more than just some lonely delusional loser fucktard as fucking usual?!?
Sigh.. Here's the deal: I'm disabled. An autistic woman living on SSI. My parent are both disabled too, each with their own respective shit. All 3 of us live on disability. So, no, I don't work, and no, I don't go to school. I hate those thing anyway. I have ever since childhood, as I consider those thing a waste of time. I barely get out, and have next to nothing in the way of a social life outside the internet. And the internet is becoming a place I relate to less and less all the time.
So, fandom and imagination is all I have to get me through life. And when that dries up... well, wtf am I supposed to do with myself?!? I am going completely to pieces as we speak. If things don't turn around for me soon, well... I just have no idea what'll happen.
I guess if a fandom isn't new and recent, (with the exception of things like Disney, Star Wars and Star Trek, etc. and other things that get special treatment) it doesn't stand a chance. Survival of the fittest, or at least most well-marketed, I guess. Fucking Darwinism of fandom, that's what it is.
More bad news.. I hate, really hate American McGees Alice. Both of them. I think that shit is nasty and vile. Never played any of them, don't care to. I can't even stand modern video games or all the fad and popularity that they bring. Yes, I think video games (with the exception of a select few that I've enjoyed since childhood) are fucking over-RAT-ED . There, I said it, and I don't care what the hardcore gaming eggheads of the internet think. I have not cared for some time. For all I care, they can all be taught a lesson for making this poisonous shit as popular as it's become!
..Having said that, I confess a dark truth about myself: I fear I have found myself developing unhealthy feelings for Dr. Angus Bumby, the head villain of the second game, and the one responsible for all the terrible events of the series. How can that be?!? It can't be love. I could never love a person that rapes, murders a family, destroys a little girls sanity, and brainwashes children to become prostitutes for pedophiles! That's everything I despise and consider ultimate evil.
And yet... he had to be such an interesting and charismatic character that I can't stop thinking about. Do I like, or condone what he does? No! Absolutely not! And if he were a real person, I would fucking murder him. Do I like him? Or at least have at least some tender feelings for? ..Maybe.
God, this is the most painful and conflicting case of "love the sinner, hate the sin" I have ever known. Retarded, overly-sensitive pansy that I am, I'm actually crying right now.
Fuck you, American McGee. In my opinion, it is you that is the real villain here. Just because you had a traumatic childhood (and possibly because your mother cruelly gave you a tacky-as-hell name like "American") don't think that that gives you the right to go spreading your dark shit around to others and ruining other peoples' sanity. Right now, I'm feeling like you should be sorry for creating all of that and can have the shit beaten out of you, for all I care. Now Wonderland is fucking ruined because of you.
I hope you're proud of yourself, you jerk.
..So, yeah. All the reasons listed above are why I've been lying low for the most part. Make of it what you will.